These past three months have been rather interesting to me. Well to be more precise, the twenty-first year of my life has been the most interesting and challenging by a mile. Interesting in the sense of being unable to comprehend what's going on most of the time. Challenging because as soon as I find myself ready to confront and push through these issues, I get blind sided yet again. Each time these problems become difficult enough to the point where I find myself completely unequipped to handle them. I then end up needing to devote all my energy towards these issues draining myself in the process. Only after I work through them do I remember something key. Flowers only grow after a storm.
Challenges in life present us with three major options. We can cower, float, or confront them. Each of these options can be rather painful in their own regard, it's dependent on how you are willing to approach them. The first of these three options is theoretically the easiest approach. Being too afraid to make a move is something I discuss often. It's easy, it's safe, and it's the path of least resistance. If we let the fear of failing control us and instead choose to cower, it's easy to be okay with. We can't figure out how much something truly hurts us if we never allow it to hurt us.
Possible the worst route of the three is choosing to float. Choosing to float is neither living in fear nor building the courage to confront the pain. There is no growth nor loss in the process of floating. It can be viewed as a safety if you live in between, but its difficult. It's unfair to even consider this option living, rather living with this option simply means you are existing. This path is what often leads to a lack of purpose or in worse cases depression.
The most difficult route of the three ends up being the confrontational one. This route is something I discuss often, taking the leap of faith. It's being prepared to stumble and slide on your face towards your goals. It's climbing to the peak of a mountain and relishing in the success. Only to realize the success was temporary and if you had opened your eyes, you'd see you only reached a checkpoint of a much larger mountain. You might dedicate yourself to climbing up to the next peak of the mountain only to realize there's an even larger one a mile away. The only way to reach the next mountain is by crossing an unstable bridge. My peak theory and this method of challenging is what life is all about.
Flowers only grow after a storm, should be interpreted as learning to embrace the rain. You need to embrace the hail, the struggles, the thunder, the pain, the winds, and the sorrow. If life struggled to grow each time their was a storm then our world would have died years ago. Remember life always finds a way. Why can't you?
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
My Diary: This pain I hold
I hold a heavy pain in my heart. It sits constantly, often without logic or reason. I've never been able to truly view what this pain looks like. Each time I claim to discover what it looks like, it slips away from my grasp. Each time it slips away is when I swear the pain will disappear permanently. Yet, it remains constant, waiting for the right opportunity to strike. It sits like a dormant disease waiting the days away. At the first sign of struggle, this pain latches onto me faster than I'm able to respond. I find myself captured in it's dark and steady grasp for another painful journey.
This pain is anxiety. The first sign of anxiety is the first sing this pain is encroaching my stability again. This anxiety has manifested itself to be physical within recent years. It sits on my heart heavily and builds rapidly until I release it in a rather annoying way. I have to talk things out. I'm forced to confront my pain head on, over and over again, otherwise the pain will be to much pressure on my heart. Some could view it as a blessing in disguise, but I've found it to be a curse more than anything recently. I'd like to be able to keep more things to myself, but the stress is to much too bear. The scenario plays out as a type of sick joke. Imagine a sitcom where every time I'm not entirely honest with my feelings someone else in the show presses a button, constricting my heart. The laugh track plays and the viewer gets a good joke at my expense. It's a rather cruel joke.
This pain is my success. I'm finding happiness in all sorts of interesting places recently, but it's rather lonely. I'd like to share my happiness and success with my peers, I want to bring them up with me. I don't want to stand over them and give them a pep talk, nor do I want to leave them behind. I had done my best to push them, drag them with me, and carry them on their off days. I can only do so much of my part before I lose myself in the process. It's a painful realization but I can't allow myself to dwell in the shadows for the sake of rolling a luck dice to bring them up with me. It's unfair to myself. I'm hurt realizing I can't bring up every single person with me, our paths will diverge and I'm not quite comfortable with those thoughts. It's a process I'm trying to work through slowly.
This pain is my happiness. This pain is something I've knowingly and unsuccessfully masqueraded behind a smile my entire life. I had figured as long as I forced a smile along, the people around me would smile. It'd be alright if I were in pain as long as others were smiling. To me it's been a painful but infallible method for the past few years of my life. However, I've recently been unable to differentiate whether or not my smiles and laughter have been genuine or if they only exist now to cover my pain. I had told myself for years, "laugh away the pain" and now having spent all this time laughing, I'm holding onto the pain I was never able to let out. I'm unsure if I'm as happy or positive as I claim to be or if it's become a method for me to hide away. I want to be a constant beacon of hope, but it becomes less possible the more pressure I put on myself. I'd love to make a positive impact on each person I meet in life, but I'm finally understanding after twenty-one years my wants might not fall in line with reality. It doesn't mean I won't continue to try, rather it means I need to change the way I smile. I need to change what my smile should mean to the people around me. I'd like my happiness and my smile to be genuine, not a fabrication of my own mind. Not an impression of what I assume "happiness" to be.
- Noble
This pain is anxiety. The first sign of anxiety is the first sing this pain is encroaching my stability again. This anxiety has manifested itself to be physical within recent years. It sits on my heart heavily and builds rapidly until I release it in a rather annoying way. I have to talk things out. I'm forced to confront my pain head on, over and over again, otherwise the pain will be to much pressure on my heart. Some could view it as a blessing in disguise, but I've found it to be a curse more than anything recently. I'd like to be able to keep more things to myself, but the stress is to much too bear. The scenario plays out as a type of sick joke. Imagine a sitcom where every time I'm not entirely honest with my feelings someone else in the show presses a button, constricting my heart. The laugh track plays and the viewer gets a good joke at my expense. It's a rather cruel joke.
This pain is my success. I'm finding happiness in all sorts of interesting places recently, but it's rather lonely. I'd like to share my happiness and success with my peers, I want to bring them up with me. I don't want to stand over them and give them a pep talk, nor do I want to leave them behind. I had done my best to push them, drag them with me, and carry them on their off days. I can only do so much of my part before I lose myself in the process. It's a painful realization but I can't allow myself to dwell in the shadows for the sake of rolling a luck dice to bring them up with me. It's unfair to myself. I'm hurt realizing I can't bring up every single person with me, our paths will diverge and I'm not quite comfortable with those thoughts. It's a process I'm trying to work through slowly.
This pain is my happiness. This pain is something I've knowingly and unsuccessfully masqueraded behind a smile my entire life. I had figured as long as I forced a smile along, the people around me would smile. It'd be alright if I were in pain as long as others were smiling. To me it's been a painful but infallible method for the past few years of my life. However, I've recently been unable to differentiate whether or not my smiles and laughter have been genuine or if they only exist now to cover my pain. I had told myself for years, "laugh away the pain" and now having spent all this time laughing, I'm holding onto the pain I was never able to let out. I'm unsure if I'm as happy or positive as I claim to be or if it's become a method for me to hide away. I want to be a constant beacon of hope, but it becomes less possible the more pressure I put on myself. I'd love to make a positive impact on each person I meet in life, but I'm finally understanding after twenty-one years my wants might not fall in line with reality. It doesn't mean I won't continue to try, rather it means I need to change the way I smile. I need to change what my smile should mean to the people around me. I'd like my happiness and my smile to be genuine, not a fabrication of my own mind. Not an impression of what I assume "happiness" to be.
- Noble
Monday, July 16, 2018
My Diary: I built this house on popsicle sticks
I often tell those around me to question everything. It's been a beneficial idea to my life for many years. If there is something you might not like, question it, then work to fix it. Sometime in the recent months I had stopped asking myself a question I used to think about constantly. How valuable are the relationships I'm building around me? In the process of forgetting this question, I began to make a handful of new relationships. Now I'm beginning to wonder if these are relationships I had ever wanted in the first place.
Around the age of eight I desperately wanted to be popular. I would act out and go far out of my way to get people to look in my direction, I wanted attention. This carried on through middle school with me being a type of class clown. I got along reasonably with everybody around me, but I still hadn't found the popularity I had desperately wanted. Upon reaching high school my behavior became a bit more cynical. I focused less on trying to become popular and I figured if the right friends would come my way I would show them they were worth my time. I still wanted to be popular, but to a much lesser degree. I stuck with the cynical ideals for a while and continued to work on building a small but wonderful group of friends. I wanted people around me willing to challenge and grow with me, I didn't like the idea of having casual "friends." I had convinced myself if they weren't trying to actively improve as people it'd be alright if we went our separate ways. After all, I felt my trajectory was only going upwards.
I had continued to carry this mindset for many years, with wanting to be popular remaining ever present in the back of my mind. Interestingly enough I've had a perfect opportunity to test this mindset within the past few months. I've found myself making many more "friends" than I ever could have imagined. I finally became popular after thirteen long years of trying. Upon discovering my popularity, I've found it to be rather empty. I've been getting swarmed around for all the wrong reasons. Because I've worked at pushing myself for all these years, these "friends" see me as someone to take from. They are under the impression being around me will lead them to a happier and easier lifestyle without putting in the work. It was lovely to think about at first, but the more I began to question it, the more I found myself uncomfortable with the whole idea. I decided to push back a little bit asking those friends to be there for me in a time of need and they were nowhere to be found. These relationships I had thought highly of were rather fragile. It hurt to discover how much I had been putting forth into these relationships and how little was being reciprocated.
I've found myself back at square one, realizing I had built this house on popsicle sticks. I have worked for years with the right people to create solid relationships. It's not my job and shouldn't be my job to force people towards growth for the sake of trying to have a better relationship with me. I'm happy to support their willingness to work towards something. However, I'd like to see people I'm trying to create a relationship with put themselves forth more. Again, it's not my job to mine marble with a toothpick. I don't need to dig into peoples lives and I don't need to put myself out there if they aren't willing to reciprocate. I'm undecided if I want to continue to have these "friends" around me, it makes me rather uncomfortable to know I can't be open or honest with them.
To be frank, I'm alright with having my tight knit group. I will continue to meticulously work at the friendships I have spent building over the years. These people I know who will treat me with the same respect and consideration I have for them. In the case of new faces, I'll treat everyone on an equal level and give a little bit of extra push when necessary. If they react well to the push, I'll be lucky enough to make a friend for life.
- Noble
Around the age of eight I desperately wanted to be popular. I would act out and go far out of my way to get people to look in my direction, I wanted attention. This carried on through middle school with me being a type of class clown. I got along reasonably with everybody around me, but I still hadn't found the popularity I had desperately wanted. Upon reaching high school my behavior became a bit more cynical. I focused less on trying to become popular and I figured if the right friends would come my way I would show them they were worth my time. I still wanted to be popular, but to a much lesser degree. I stuck with the cynical ideals for a while and continued to work on building a small but wonderful group of friends. I wanted people around me willing to challenge and grow with me, I didn't like the idea of having casual "friends." I had convinced myself if they weren't trying to actively improve as people it'd be alright if we went our separate ways. After all, I felt my trajectory was only going upwards.
I had continued to carry this mindset for many years, with wanting to be popular remaining ever present in the back of my mind. Interestingly enough I've had a perfect opportunity to test this mindset within the past few months. I've found myself making many more "friends" than I ever could have imagined. I finally became popular after thirteen long years of trying. Upon discovering my popularity, I've found it to be rather empty. I've been getting swarmed around for all the wrong reasons. Because I've worked at pushing myself for all these years, these "friends" see me as someone to take from. They are under the impression being around me will lead them to a happier and easier lifestyle without putting in the work. It was lovely to think about at first, but the more I began to question it, the more I found myself uncomfortable with the whole idea. I decided to push back a little bit asking those friends to be there for me in a time of need and they were nowhere to be found. These relationships I had thought highly of were rather fragile. It hurt to discover how much I had been putting forth into these relationships and how little was being reciprocated.
I've found myself back at square one, realizing I had built this house on popsicle sticks. I have worked for years with the right people to create solid relationships. It's not my job and shouldn't be my job to force people towards growth for the sake of trying to have a better relationship with me. I'm happy to support their willingness to work towards something. However, I'd like to see people I'm trying to create a relationship with put themselves forth more. Again, it's not my job to mine marble with a toothpick. I don't need to dig into peoples lives and I don't need to put myself out there if they aren't willing to reciprocate. I'm undecided if I want to continue to have these "friends" around me, it makes me rather uncomfortable to know I can't be open or honest with them.
To be frank, I'm alright with having my tight knit group. I will continue to meticulously work at the friendships I have spent building over the years. These people I know who will treat me with the same respect and consideration I have for them. In the case of new faces, I'll treat everyone on an equal level and give a little bit of extra push when necessary. If they react well to the push, I'll be lucky enough to make a friend for life.
- Noble
Quick Update: Post consistency
Let me start by saying this isn't an excuse. Rather it's more what I will be able to work with in the coming months. School, work, and life are generally catching up to me. I'd still love to put out two posts or more a day but it tends to fry my brain. Instead I'll be aiming for one a day. It'll keep my consistent audience here and happy. Or at least I'm hoping you guys will continue to read and enjoy my posts. There is also a chance I'll be able to bring you better posts by only putting my best into one post each day instead of potentially splitting the effort. I hope y'all can understand and I'll do my best to continue to work towards consistency.
- Noble
- Noble
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
My Diary: An apology to myself
It's been eight long days since there has been an entry to this blog. I'm more frustrated with myself than anything, but I'll need to let it go. For the lack of views, the lack of shares, and the lack of community, I love this blog. I know there is an incredibly small group of you keeping up with the work I do put out. I'm grateful to the few of you who keep up with my posts and I hope this goofy and wonderful place is helping you as much as I'd like it to. This blog is my brain. It's my thoughts, opinions, and emotions all spewed out onto the page. It's something I want to continue to dive deeper into. Although, I tend to lose track of the direction I want to take the blog, causing me to burn out. Disappearing wasn't due to laziness, rather it was overworking myself and needing to learn to love myself more. I needed to learn to apologize to myself.
With comedic timing, I happened to have terrible days one after the other as soon as I stopped working on my blog. It lead to an incredibly interesting and eventful week. For how painful it had truly been, it was a week worth embracing fully,. I'm looking forward to laughing about it in the future, but seeing as it was recent, the pain is still raw. Without being too transparent, I had received interesting news one day after the next. The days began to weigh on me more than I had been prepared for. Especially after attacking mental health for a week straight only two weeks prior. Everything was starting to scare me again and pushing me towards throwing my phone into a lake, for the sake of fully becoming a hermit.
I had felt this way until I started walking. I had walked to get the mail for the day, on a Sunday. I realized soon after mail wasn't delivered on Sundays and I had also checked the mailbox the day before. With nothing else to do I kept walking. I walked around my neighborhood until I ended up outside of it. I took a deep breath to check my own mental stability, after reassuring myself I was good I kept walking. I walked in my bare feet, twirling a mailbox key in my left hand and holding my phone in my right. My phone served as the ambiance in the background, playing the same sad song on repeat. With no shoes, sad music, and a head full of emotions I kept walking. I had told myself my toes needed to be in the sand and I walked until I could place them there. I did put my feet in the sand, even it was only for a moment before the tide rolled in. I absolutely made sure to put my feet in the sand.
I spent an hour or two at the beach. I continued to listen to the same song on repeat and for the first time in a while I allowed myself to think. I didn't worry about anyone else but myself, it was nice. I sat there until it became to dark to see the waves and then I walked home. When I arrived home, the sadness still lingered but everything didn't hurt as much. I made myself something to eat quickly and watched a few shows here and there. After, I stayed up late talking to a friend for hours on end. The day began to feel better because I pushed for my own happiness. When I woke up the next day with the pain still lingering, I made my way through a rather busy day. And I did make it through. Two days later the pain still lingers, it remains in my mind. I question whether or not I made the right decisions and I'm scared I hurt some feelings along the way. Maybe I made some mistakes, but maybe allowing myself to be a bit more selfish will prove invaluable.
I often find myself getting preachy on this blog as I struggle to follow my own advice from time to time. I tend to forget part of helping or supporting each of you is also taking care of myself. This is written as a reminder for the future. If you'd like, insert your own name instead of mine and this post could fit you as well. With my previous statement in mind, I'm sorry Noble. I haven't focused on taking care of you as much as I should have. I still continue to put everyone first even though I tend to be okay with the outcome. However, I've been stumbling more than usual these past few months and for the first time in a while I feel as if I'm stumbling forward. It's beautiful to know even while tripping and scraping my knees, progress is still being made. For the first time in a while I'm certain we are on the right track. Please bear with me for only a little longer, I swear it'll be worth it.
- Noble
With comedic timing, I happened to have terrible days one after the other as soon as I stopped working on my blog. It lead to an incredibly interesting and eventful week. For how painful it had truly been, it was a week worth embracing fully,. I'm looking forward to laughing about it in the future, but seeing as it was recent, the pain is still raw. Without being too transparent, I had received interesting news one day after the next. The days began to weigh on me more than I had been prepared for. Especially after attacking mental health for a week straight only two weeks prior. Everything was starting to scare me again and pushing me towards throwing my phone into a lake, for the sake of fully becoming a hermit.
I had felt this way until I started walking. I had walked to get the mail for the day, on a Sunday. I realized soon after mail wasn't delivered on Sundays and I had also checked the mailbox the day before. With nothing else to do I kept walking. I walked around my neighborhood until I ended up outside of it. I took a deep breath to check my own mental stability, after reassuring myself I was good I kept walking. I walked in my bare feet, twirling a mailbox key in my left hand and holding my phone in my right. My phone served as the ambiance in the background, playing the same sad song on repeat. With no shoes, sad music, and a head full of emotions I kept walking. I had told myself my toes needed to be in the sand and I walked until I could place them there. I did put my feet in the sand, even it was only for a moment before the tide rolled in. I absolutely made sure to put my feet in the sand.
I spent an hour or two at the beach. I continued to listen to the same song on repeat and for the first time in a while I allowed myself to think. I didn't worry about anyone else but myself, it was nice. I sat there until it became to dark to see the waves and then I walked home. When I arrived home, the sadness still lingered but everything didn't hurt as much. I made myself something to eat quickly and watched a few shows here and there. After, I stayed up late talking to a friend for hours on end. The day began to feel better because I pushed for my own happiness. When I woke up the next day with the pain still lingering, I made my way through a rather busy day. And I did make it through. Two days later the pain still lingers, it remains in my mind. I question whether or not I made the right decisions and I'm scared I hurt some feelings along the way. Maybe I made some mistakes, but maybe allowing myself to be a bit more selfish will prove invaluable.
I often find myself getting preachy on this blog as I struggle to follow my own advice from time to time. I tend to forget part of helping or supporting each of you is also taking care of myself. This is written as a reminder for the future. If you'd like, insert your own name instead of mine and this post could fit you as well. With my previous statement in mind, I'm sorry Noble. I haven't focused on taking care of you as much as I should have. I still continue to put everyone first even though I tend to be okay with the outcome. However, I've been stumbling more than usual these past few months and for the first time in a while I feel as if I'm stumbling forward. It's beautiful to know even while tripping and scraping my knees, progress is still being made. For the first time in a while I'm certain we are on the right track. Please bear with me for only a little longer, I swear it'll be worth it.
- Noble
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
My Diary: Writers Block
This post is going to be a classic Noble rant. I caught a case of writers block recently and I'm struggling to overcome it. I've been trying to put out as much content as I have been mentally able to, but the amount of work leads to exhaustion. I need to give myself more time to breathe and I don't know how well I can breathe while posting fourty-four times a month. I'm a one man show of editing, writing, and attempting to grow this brand.
For the sake of transparency I want you to know how difficult it is for me to not be able to post as much as possible. I feel the need to share this with you because this blog has always been a place of openness. I have stated it a million times before, I want to share in vulnerability with you. Which means you'll see my vulnerability as well. I want to write to you like I'd talk to my friends. I want this to be a warm place for people to come and learn. I treat this blog like a friendship with my viewers, making me afraid to slow down. I'm doing a good thing here, I feel it in my heart. I want to push through this block and be able to produce the best content I can for you. I want to go back to feeling inhuman and being able to write four posts a day. Hell, maybe I should have stacked up on those days where I felt inhuman because I'd have more to write to you today. Instead of having my hands flow freely like today, my posts have felt clammy and irritating recently. I'm not enjoying myself and I'm hurt by it.
I get too focused on numbers. Refreshing pages over and over again, forcing myself to close out of windows, and thinking non-stop about my next growth methods. It's wonderful how committed I am, but the opposing opinion tells me I'm going to fry my brain. Letting these numbers get to me forces me to comb over my posts again and again, searching for imperfections. I'll swear to myself they come out near perfect and then a week or two later I'll go back to an older post to see a glaring issue. It's a frustrating process. The correct approach to all of this would be to stop checking the damn numbers all the time. I should write because I love writing. If I'm putting my best foot forward the supporters will come regardless.
Again for the sake of transparency, I wanted to let you all know where I'm at currently. I want to grow this brand and share all of these insane ideas with the world. I want to give the support I felt I never had when I was younger. I don't want to force myself to write and lose what I have. At it's core the idea behind this blog is wonderful, it only becomes a struggle when I realize how much work needs to go into my passion. I need to remember to have fun what I'm doing and not drain my mental state completely for the sake of growth. I want to keep writing six days a week not because I have to, but because I'm onto something great here. I don't know how long this mental block will exist, but I hope you'll work with me and allow me to struggle for a bit. I want to come back to this wonderful place stronger than ever before.
- Noble
For the sake of transparency I want you to know how difficult it is for me to not be able to post as much as possible. I feel the need to share this with you because this blog has always been a place of openness. I have stated it a million times before, I want to share in vulnerability with you. Which means you'll see my vulnerability as well. I want to write to you like I'd talk to my friends. I want this to be a warm place for people to come and learn. I treat this blog like a friendship with my viewers, making me afraid to slow down. I'm doing a good thing here, I feel it in my heart. I want to push through this block and be able to produce the best content I can for you. I want to go back to feeling inhuman and being able to write four posts a day. Hell, maybe I should have stacked up on those days where I felt inhuman because I'd have more to write to you today. Instead of having my hands flow freely like today, my posts have felt clammy and irritating recently. I'm not enjoying myself and I'm hurt by it.
I get too focused on numbers. Refreshing pages over and over again, forcing myself to close out of windows, and thinking non-stop about my next growth methods. It's wonderful how committed I am, but the opposing opinion tells me I'm going to fry my brain. Letting these numbers get to me forces me to comb over my posts again and again, searching for imperfections. I'll swear to myself they come out near perfect and then a week or two later I'll go back to an older post to see a glaring issue. It's a frustrating process. The correct approach to all of this would be to stop checking the damn numbers all the time. I should write because I love writing. If I'm putting my best foot forward the supporters will come regardless.
Again for the sake of transparency, I wanted to let you all know where I'm at currently. I want to grow this brand and share all of these insane ideas with the world. I want to give the support I felt I never had when I was younger. I don't want to force myself to write and lose what I have. At it's core the idea behind this blog is wonderful, it only becomes a struggle when I realize how much work needs to go into my passion. I need to remember to have fun what I'm doing and not drain my mental state completely for the sake of growth. I want to keep writing six days a week not because I have to, but because I'm onto something great here. I don't know how long this mental block will exist, but I hope you'll work with me and allow me to struggle for a bit. I want to come back to this wonderful place stronger than ever before.
- Noble
Monday, July 2, 2018
Manly Tips: Finding purpose
Men desire to be wanted, almost to an uncomfortable level. If you disagree with my previous statement you might be lying to yourself. Men go out of their ways to impress, entertain, or drive attention in their direction. When they are unable to find worth or attention, a self loathing sympathetic type of "depression" begins to form. The difference between normal depression and this type of faux depression, is men finding themselves disheartened because of their lack of purpose.
Purpose goes hand in hand with self worth. People need to be needed and want to be wanted. Specifically in men, we need to feel as if we are contributing to the task as hand. We enjoy having a place and being thought about. In addition, we find ourselves wanting to be "the guy" for whatever our group might need. Men have the concept of becoming the alpha male, leading to stubborn behavior when it comes to growth in ourselves and among our peers. On the contrary, women often share and work together as a team, taking the time to build themselves up as a unit. This alpha male mindset becomes an issue in men, specifically when a new party is introduced. If the new guy happens to be better at something we pride ourselves on, the first instincts may be to challenge them or shut down. The reason we had for being in this group no longer exists. This lack of self worth spirals into a lack of purpose and a type of "depression." Men are stupid.
I've put "depression" in quotes twice now attempting to show the difference between the two. Henceforth there will be true depression and "depression" will be considered laziness. I'm using the argument of mental health here because I strongly believe in helping those with mental illness. However, I become concerned and frustrated when men confuse mental illness with a laziness and a lack of purpose. This approach becomes unfair to those actually struggling and creates more unnecessary stigmas about mental health issues. I've seen both sides of the coin and dealt with both. I've had my battle with depression as most young teens do and I've also been lazy and moping, blaming it on imaginary mental illness. I had convinced myself on multiple occasions of mental issues to protect myself of the outside world. It's frustrating but relieving to admit. I want men to know setting up mental barriers and protecting yourself isn't the same as being consumed and trapped by those same ideas. I'd like men to ask themselves the difference between the two and how they can challenged themselves to cast aside their laziness.
How do you find purpose? The simple answer is to start by jumping. Throw yourself into anything and everything willing to take you. Pick up a new hobby, relentlessly study, challenge your own mindset, or dive deeper into work. I'm trying to attack your mindset with this post because I myself am still struggling with purpose. You may be like me in which you give yourself a million and one things to do but you cant quite quench your thirst. Maybe you are a bit luckier than me and your purpose lies right in front of your eyes but you are yet to test it. Maybe we'll share a good laugh because we will both fall into our own a week from writing this. To be a bit more personal. my favorite thing about writing these posts is I can put my own vulnerability on the line to struggle with you. I'm testing myself along with each of you for the sake of learning together. I'd like to continue share in the knowledge I felt I hadn't received when I was struggling. Take a breather and work with me here. We can figure it out together.
Find your purpose and WashYourAss
- Noble
Purpose goes hand in hand with self worth. People need to be needed and want to be wanted. Specifically in men, we need to feel as if we are contributing to the task as hand. We enjoy having a place and being thought about. In addition, we find ourselves wanting to be "the guy" for whatever our group might need. Men have the concept of becoming the alpha male, leading to stubborn behavior when it comes to growth in ourselves and among our peers. On the contrary, women often share and work together as a team, taking the time to build themselves up as a unit. This alpha male mindset becomes an issue in men, specifically when a new party is introduced. If the new guy happens to be better at something we pride ourselves on, the first instincts may be to challenge them or shut down. The reason we had for being in this group no longer exists. This lack of self worth spirals into a lack of purpose and a type of "depression." Men are stupid.
I've put "depression" in quotes twice now attempting to show the difference between the two. Henceforth there will be true depression and "depression" will be considered laziness. I'm using the argument of mental health here because I strongly believe in helping those with mental illness. However, I become concerned and frustrated when men confuse mental illness with a laziness and a lack of purpose. This approach becomes unfair to those actually struggling and creates more unnecessary stigmas about mental health issues. I've seen both sides of the coin and dealt with both. I've had my battle with depression as most young teens do and I've also been lazy and moping, blaming it on imaginary mental illness. I had convinced myself on multiple occasions of mental issues to protect myself of the outside world. It's frustrating but relieving to admit. I want men to know setting up mental barriers and protecting yourself isn't the same as being consumed and trapped by those same ideas. I'd like men to ask themselves the difference between the two and how they can challenged themselves to cast aside their laziness.
How do you find purpose? The simple answer is to start by jumping. Throw yourself into anything and everything willing to take you. Pick up a new hobby, relentlessly study, challenge your own mindset, or dive deeper into work. I'm trying to attack your mindset with this post because I myself am still struggling with purpose. You may be like me in which you give yourself a million and one things to do but you cant quite quench your thirst. Maybe you are a bit luckier than me and your purpose lies right in front of your eyes but you are yet to test it. Maybe we'll share a good laugh because we will both fall into our own a week from writing this. To be a bit more personal. my favorite thing about writing these posts is I can put my own vulnerability on the line to struggle with you. I'm testing myself along with each of you for the sake of learning together. I'd like to continue share in the knowledge I felt I hadn't received when I was struggling. Take a breather and work with me here. We can figure it out together.
Find your purpose and WashYourAss
- Noble
Friday, June 29, 2018
Let's Talk: Why are you afraid?
I hold a massive fear of failure in my heart. A fear which only seems to exist half the time and begins to show only when I forget it's existence. The topic of this post is a subject I'm actively trying to work through, which makes it all the more special and painful to me. I'd like to be open about my persistent and evil fears with you all. I want use this post to share in this vulnerability for the sake of growing together. I'm tired of being a victim to my own fear, it hurts.
Fear is often synonymous with pain. Fear is evil. hurtful, and negative. The wonderfully painful thing about fear is being all those things and safe. Fear is terrifyingly safe, because one is able to hide away deep in it's shadow. Atychiphobia, the irrational and persistent fear of failure has been a constant in my life since I first discovered a word to label my pain. Whether it be self diagnosed or not, we'll say for the sake of argument I'm only kind of afraid to fail. However, because this fear exists, I remain sheltered and afraid of trying new things. I've become set in my ways and built up safety nets to fall back into, considerably irresponsible behavior. This pain is irresponsible for two reasons, the first being knowing this pain still exists and being too afraid to push through the massive failure. Instead I choose to inch through the small failures in between, a technically more difficult approach. The second being I knowingly allow this pain to control my decisions and actions towards my greater goals.
The reason our fears persist is because of the difficulty it takes to work through them. They are difficult, scary, and painful to overcome. It becomes easy for us to make those fears something bigger than they are, because we don't quite understand how quickly they can snowball into a problem. The point of working through these fears is breaking down the snowball. Chipping away at those problems and stumbling incredibly hard along the way. We tend to find frustration in not being able to chip away at this snowball. Fear will drive us to the extreme or further away from the solution when we do fail. In those scenarios it seems impossible to understand how to approach our fears. If the highs are massive and the lows are depressingly low. The solution like most posted about in this blog, is easier said than done. The path starts with one difficult to question. Why are you afraid?
Truly conquering failure comes from starting at the bottom floor and working your way up. Allow fear into your life and attempt to understand why this fear is controlling you. Fear exists because our minds begin to distort things in evil ways. Causing fear to become a physical embodiment of pain and hatred. It becomes a legitimate shadow lurking behind us, one we are too afraid to face. Face your fears is listed as a popular approach because you more often than not need to turn around and look at your fear directly. You need to experience the fear of fear. To give a temporary halt, don't rush in headfirst. You aren't forced into conquering your fears in a day and you certainly don't need to understand them immediately, even if you are forcing yourself too. In addition to sharing these thoughts with you, this post is written as a reminder to me. If I can take the steps towards living in the unknown, it could be correct for you to follow my approach. If only for a moment, live with and embrace the fear. Attempt to understand why it's weighing you down, only then will you be able to work through it.
Ask yourself why you're afraid and WashYourAss
- Noble
Fear is often synonymous with pain. Fear is evil. hurtful, and negative. The wonderfully painful thing about fear is being all those things and safe. Fear is terrifyingly safe, because one is able to hide away deep in it's shadow. Atychiphobia, the irrational and persistent fear of failure has been a constant in my life since I first discovered a word to label my pain. Whether it be self diagnosed or not, we'll say for the sake of argument I'm only kind of afraid to fail. However, because this fear exists, I remain sheltered and afraid of trying new things. I've become set in my ways and built up safety nets to fall back into, considerably irresponsible behavior. This pain is irresponsible for two reasons, the first being knowing this pain still exists and being too afraid to push through the massive failure. Instead I choose to inch through the small failures in between, a technically more difficult approach. The second being I knowingly allow this pain to control my decisions and actions towards my greater goals.
The reason our fears persist is because of the difficulty it takes to work through them. They are difficult, scary, and painful to overcome. It becomes easy for us to make those fears something bigger than they are, because we don't quite understand how quickly they can snowball into a problem. The point of working through these fears is breaking down the snowball. Chipping away at those problems and stumbling incredibly hard along the way. We tend to find frustration in not being able to chip away at this snowball. Fear will drive us to the extreme or further away from the solution when we do fail. In those scenarios it seems impossible to understand how to approach our fears. If the highs are massive and the lows are depressingly low. The solution like most posted about in this blog, is easier said than done. The path starts with one difficult to question. Why are you afraid?
Truly conquering failure comes from starting at the bottom floor and working your way up. Allow fear into your life and attempt to understand why this fear is controlling you. Fear exists because our minds begin to distort things in evil ways. Causing fear to become a physical embodiment of pain and hatred. It becomes a legitimate shadow lurking behind us, one we are too afraid to face. Face your fears is listed as a popular approach because you more often than not need to turn around and look at your fear directly. You need to experience the fear of fear. To give a temporary halt, don't rush in headfirst. You aren't forced into conquering your fears in a day and you certainly don't need to understand them immediately, even if you are forcing yourself too. In addition to sharing these thoughts with you, this post is written as a reminder to me. If I can take the steps towards living in the unknown, it could be correct for you to follow my approach. If only for a moment, live with and embrace the fear. Attempt to understand why it's weighing you down, only then will you be able to work through it.
Ask yourself why you're afraid and WashYourAss
- Noble
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Let's Talk: Enjoy it while you can
Growing up on the internet lead me to having all types of friends, most of them being many years older than me. Every now and then they'd try and give me a bit of elderly advice telling me to "enjoy it while you can." For years I didn't fully comprehend what the saying meant. I wrote two different essays on the subject in high school thinking I had interpreted the meaning. Now five or ten years later from my initial hearing of the phrase, I learned I hadn't enjoyed "it" in the slightest. I didn't quite know what "it" was until I had lost "it."
My interpretation of "it" all these years later is freedom and a lack of responsibility. Freedom when you are older means the freedom to choose. Freedom when you are younger means a lack of major responsibilities. Imagine turning in your teen freedom card for an adult version the day you graduate high school. The young version of freedom is being allowed to turn in your homework a bit later. Or watching cartoons and playing videos games all weekend. You'll still have the possibility to stretch deadlines and take days for yourself as you get older, but they are few and far between. In addition to taking care of yourself, taking care of your list of responsibilities becomes a chore in itself.
I had said in the intro paragraph this isn't the first time I've approached the subject of "enjoying it while you can." I wrote two separate essays on the subject for an English class in high school. One came at the age of sixteen while starting to feel as if I knew everything. The second essay came around the age of eighteen when I was absolutely sure I knew everything. Several years later I have the pleasure of realizing I didn't know a single thing. I had failed to come to this realazation for years and all the time spent chasing maturity left me not giving myself time to be immature. My freedom now involves controlling my schedule to a certain level, which is wonderful until it isn't, because I have to do it, it's not a choice. I had casually been warned about life hitting me fast, but not quite to the level I expected. I thought myself to be mature but I carried an incredible lack of responsibility. Since my realization I've been trying to recollect myself and get back on track for the past few years.
I'd like to enforce the idea of enjoying "it" because my words might keep you from making the same mistake I had. The point of being young is to make a million and one mistakes, learning from them in the process. I'm still considerably young, but there is a handful of things I can't do anymore. I forgot how invaluable my younger years were. Instead of following in my footsteps, learn to spend time on yourself and spend time making mistakes. Eat a bunch of terrible foods and try new things. Life hits you faster than you are usually prepared for. Eventually you'll mess up terribly and need the support of those around you to pick you back up, a trait hopefully discovered in your teens.
Which leads me to sharing a quick secret you'll begin to understand the older you get. Most adults have no idea what they are doing 80% of the time. The only reason they are able to progress forward is because of the questions they've learned to ask and the failures they've embraced. Make your mistakes now as they are a helluva lot easier to cover for when you are younger.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Let's Talk: Perfection is empty
Take it from someone who has spent eighteen years of their life chasing the idea of perfection, it's empty and lonely. I have learned in the last few years the difference between chasing my perfect self and my ideal self. It's a practice I'd like to teach with this post. The idea of perfection is often misused for the word ideal, as perfection is without fault. You do not need to be perfect to live the ideal life, because your ideal life is unique to your imagination. I'd like to share with you the loneliness of striving for perfection and the person you can become when you learn to prioritize the ideal.
No human worth their weight will ever consider themselves as perfect. A joke among friends is an entirely different story, as I myself am guilty of the cheap gag. However, I have friends in place to keep me in check and keep me grounded. Perfection and narcissism begin to fall hand and hand upon allowing your ego to run rampant. It's eerie to say, but when your ego consumes the individual you were is when you are no longer are considered human. Without getting too Sci-Fi, I'm implying you become more of a hollow and emotionless shell than a human. I'm using the idea of a hollow shell because the only way one can truly become perfect is to cut off everything binding them to reality. Cutting of ties is when the process or creepy ritual is complete, depending on the cult you align yourself with. You may swear yourself as thinking and acting like a human, but your soul has long left your body. If you have a loved one heading down a similar path, show them this post. And if they still aren't able to see the light, it might be time to bust out the chancla. They could use a harsh wake up call.
Like many of the other social or emotional issues in our society, perfection is a man made fault. There is definitely hierarchy and leaders among animals. However, they do not regard others in their species as "perfect." Aside from the average individual striving towards perfection, there is a terrible issue with projecting those thoughts onto people in the spotlight. The idea of projecting and sharing in the perfection of a celebrity is nothing short of a virus. This virus moves back and forth between the idols and their supporters like a cheap bottle of rum on a ship. Before getting too negative, I'd like to say it's wonderful to have these idols in our society. They provide a beacon of hope and understanding for those who need it. However, the issues start when these people we had held in such a high regard start to slip up. Their mistakes lead to two knee jerk solutions from hardcore fans, apologetic or cannibalizing, with no middle ground in between. The idea of perfection and the expectations following come from the media and fans around these stars, rarely to never from the starts themselves. Fans project an image of perfection, reinforced among their tight-knit groups. If the mask eventually slips off, it causes panic and confusion towards someone they once followed religiously.
Perfection among your peers will carry the same loneliness discussed in the first paragraph and the same emotional immaturity discussed in the second. I've touched on the idea of perfection in relationships and friendships before. I'll make this explanation quick to cover my past words. Don't do it. It's unhealthy and irresponsible to set ones self worth and values above your own. Becoming perfect is one of the two ways to end up as a hollow shell. The other is considering others worth to be much greater than your own. I'd like my younger audience to understand something important here. Hell, this might be some good information to my older, stubborn viewers as well. There will always be someone better at a certain skill than you. You can spend your entire life become the best at the skill, but there is a much quicker way to establishing your self importance. There is no one better at being you then you. No one individual can possess every single skill you carry and also be better than you. I still refuse to get into freaky Sci-Fi hypotheticals, throw those ideas out the window and just be you. Become the ideal and imperfect you.
Be imperfect, but no imperfect enough to forget to WashYourAss
- Noble
No human worth their weight will ever consider themselves as perfect. A joke among friends is an entirely different story, as I myself am guilty of the cheap gag. However, I have friends in place to keep me in check and keep me grounded. Perfection and narcissism begin to fall hand and hand upon allowing your ego to run rampant. It's eerie to say, but when your ego consumes the individual you were is when you are no longer are considered human. Without getting too Sci-Fi, I'm implying you become more of a hollow and emotionless shell than a human. I'm using the idea of a hollow shell because the only way one can truly become perfect is to cut off everything binding them to reality. Cutting of ties is when the process or creepy ritual is complete, depending on the cult you align yourself with. You may swear yourself as thinking and acting like a human, but your soul has long left your body. If you have a loved one heading down a similar path, show them this post. And if they still aren't able to see the light, it might be time to bust out the chancla. They could use a harsh wake up call.
Like many of the other social or emotional issues in our society, perfection is a man made fault. There is definitely hierarchy and leaders among animals. However, they do not regard others in their species as "perfect." Aside from the average individual striving towards perfection, there is a terrible issue with projecting those thoughts onto people in the spotlight. The idea of projecting and sharing in the perfection of a celebrity is nothing short of a virus. This virus moves back and forth between the idols and their supporters like a cheap bottle of rum on a ship. Before getting too negative, I'd like to say it's wonderful to have these idols in our society. They provide a beacon of hope and understanding for those who need it. However, the issues start when these people we had held in such a high regard start to slip up. Their mistakes lead to two knee jerk solutions from hardcore fans, apologetic or cannibalizing, with no middle ground in between. The idea of perfection and the expectations following come from the media and fans around these stars, rarely to never from the starts themselves. Fans project an image of perfection, reinforced among their tight-knit groups. If the mask eventually slips off, it causes panic and confusion towards someone they once followed religiously.
Perfection among your peers will carry the same loneliness discussed in the first paragraph and the same emotional immaturity discussed in the second. I've touched on the idea of perfection in relationships and friendships before. I'll make this explanation quick to cover my past words. Don't do it. It's unhealthy and irresponsible to set ones self worth and values above your own. Becoming perfect is one of the two ways to end up as a hollow shell. The other is considering others worth to be much greater than your own. I'd like my younger audience to understand something important here. Hell, this might be some good information to my older, stubborn viewers as well. There will always be someone better at a certain skill than you. You can spend your entire life become the best at the skill, but there is a much quicker way to establishing your self importance. There is no one better at being you then you. No one individual can possess every single skill you carry and also be better than you. I still refuse to get into freaky Sci-Fi hypotheticals, throw those ideas out the window and just be you. Become the ideal and imperfect you.
Be imperfect, but no imperfect enough to forget to WashYourAss
- Noble
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