It's been eight long days since there has been an entry to this blog. I'm more frustrated with myself than anything, but I'll need to let it go. For the lack of views, the lack of shares, and the lack of community, I love this blog. I know there is an incredibly small group of you keeping up with the work I do put out. I'm grateful to the few of you who keep up with my posts and I hope this goofy and wonderful place is helping you as much as I'd like it to. This blog is my brain. It's my thoughts, opinions, and emotions all spewed out onto the page. It's something I want to continue to dive deeper into. Although, I tend to lose track of the direction I want to take the blog, causing me to burn out. Disappearing wasn't due to laziness, rather it was overworking myself and needing to learn to love myself more. I needed to learn to apologize to myself.
With comedic timing, I happened to have terrible days one after the other as soon as I stopped working on my blog. It lead to an incredibly interesting and eventful week. For how painful it had truly been, it was a week worth embracing fully,. I'm looking forward to laughing about it in the future, but seeing as it was recent, the pain is still raw. Without being too transparent, I had received interesting news one day after the next. The days began to weigh on me more than I had been prepared for. Especially after attacking mental health for a week straight only two weeks prior. Everything was starting to scare me again and pushing me towards throwing my phone into a lake, for the sake of fully becoming a hermit.
I had felt this way until I started walking. I had walked to get the mail for the day, on a Sunday. I realized soon after mail wasn't delivered on Sundays and I had also checked the mailbox the day before. With nothing else to do I kept walking. I walked around my neighborhood until I ended up outside of it. I took a deep breath to check my own mental stability, after reassuring myself I was good I kept walking. I walked in my bare feet, twirling a mailbox key in my left hand and holding my phone in my right. My phone served as the ambiance in the background, playing the same sad song on repeat. With no shoes, sad music, and a head full of emotions I kept walking. I had told myself my toes needed to be in the sand and I walked until I could place them there. I did put my feet in the sand, even it was only for a moment before the tide rolled in. I absolutely made sure to put my feet in the sand.
I spent an hour or two at the beach. I continued to listen to the same song on repeat and for the first time in a while I allowed myself to think. I didn't worry about anyone else but myself, it was nice. I sat there until it became to dark to see the waves and then I walked home. When I arrived home, the sadness still lingered but everything didn't hurt as much. I made myself something to eat quickly and watched a few shows here and there. After, I stayed up late talking to a friend for hours on end. The day began to feel better because I pushed for my own happiness. When I woke up the next day with the pain still lingering, I made my way through a rather busy day. And I did make it through. Two days later the pain still lingers, it remains in my mind. I question whether or not I made the right decisions and I'm scared I hurt some feelings along the way. Maybe I made some mistakes, but maybe allowing myself to be a bit more selfish will prove invaluable.
I often find myself getting preachy on this blog as I struggle to follow my own advice from time to time. I tend to forget part of helping or supporting each of you is also taking care of myself. This is written as a reminder for the future. If you'd like, insert your own name instead of mine and this post could fit you as well. With my previous statement in mind, I'm sorry Noble. I haven't focused on taking care of you as much as I should have. I still continue to put everyone first even though I tend to be okay with the outcome. However, I've been stumbling more than usual these past few months and for the first time in a while I feel as if I'm stumbling forward. It's beautiful to know even while tripping and scraping my knees, progress is still being made. For the first time in a while I'm certain we are on the right track. Please bear with me for only a little longer, I swear it'll be worth it.
- Noble
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