I hold a heavy pain in my heart. It sits constantly, often without logic or reason. I've never been able to truly view what this pain looks like. Each time I claim to discover what it looks like, it slips away from my grasp. Each time it slips away is when I swear the pain will disappear permanently. Yet, it remains constant, waiting for the right opportunity to strike. It sits like a dormant disease waiting the days away. At the first sign of struggle, this pain latches onto me faster than I'm able to respond. I find myself captured in it's dark and steady grasp for another painful journey.
This pain is anxiety. The first sign of anxiety is the first sing this pain is encroaching my stability again. This anxiety has manifested itself to be physical within recent years. It sits on my heart heavily and builds rapidly until I release it in a rather annoying way. I have to talk things out. I'm forced to confront my pain head on, over and over again, otherwise the pain will be to much pressure on my heart. Some could view it as a blessing in disguise, but I've found it to be a curse more than anything recently. I'd like to be able to keep more things to myself, but the stress is to much too bear. The scenario plays out as a type of sick joke. Imagine a sitcom where every time I'm not entirely honest with my feelings someone else in the show presses a button, constricting my heart. The laugh track plays and the viewer gets a good joke at my expense. It's a rather cruel joke.
This pain is my success. I'm finding happiness in all sorts of interesting places recently, but it's rather lonely. I'd like to share my happiness and success with my peers, I want to bring them up with me. I don't want to stand over them and give them a pep talk, nor do I want to leave them behind. I had done my best to push them, drag them with me, and carry them on their off days. I can only do so much of my part before I lose myself in the process. It's a painful realization but I can't allow myself to dwell in the shadows for the sake of rolling a luck dice to bring them up with me. It's unfair to myself. I'm hurt realizing I can't bring up every single person with me, our paths will diverge and I'm not quite comfortable with those thoughts. It's a process I'm trying to work through slowly.
This pain is my happiness. This pain is something I've knowingly and unsuccessfully masqueraded behind a smile my entire life. I had figured as long as I forced a smile along, the people around me would smile. It'd be alright if I were in pain as long as others were smiling. To me it's been a painful but infallible method for the past few years of my life. However, I've recently been unable to differentiate whether or not my smiles and laughter have been genuine or if they only exist now to cover my pain. I had told myself for years, "laugh away the pain" and now having spent all this time laughing, I'm holding onto the pain I was never able to let out. I'm unsure if I'm as happy or positive as I claim to be or if it's become a method for me to hide away. I want to be a constant beacon of hope, but it becomes less possible the more pressure I put on myself. I'd love to make a positive impact on each person I meet in life, but I'm finally understanding after twenty-one years my wants might not fall in line with reality. It doesn't mean I won't continue to try, rather it means I need to change the way I smile. I need to change what my smile should mean to the people around me. I'd like my happiness and my smile to be genuine, not a fabrication of my own mind. Not an impression of what I assume "happiness" to be.
- Noble
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