I've been diving deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of mental health and stability recently. Challenging myself to test how my process of introspection could go without losing my sanity. Being a former emotional wreck, it's something I've tried to stray far away from out, based on the fears I would make the same decisions I did back then. These "Let's talks" recently have been a path into my mind. I'd like to apologize if you only come to this blog to read funny posts or general tips on how to become a better man. Sharing posts like these two today will allow me to become a better man for myself and a better beacon for those around me. I've been told they have a certain "rawness" to them, which keeps me in this state of mind. I'm trying to relate as closely as possible without being completely consumed. Before you reject these posts, allow yourself to follow me on this journey to becoming a better human. I rarely write directly for my friends, but in addition to my usual audience, these two are for a handful of specific people. And so you know, there will be no standard sign off as these aren't standard posts.
For those of you struggling please view this through your own eyes or someone you know who might be struggling.
It's safe inside my head. I'd like to invite you in for an extended stay. In my head I am all powerful, omnipotent, and omnipresent. I can be everything I always dreamed of being. I'm a god one day or have the significant other of my dreams. It's as easy as closing my eyes! All my pain, fear, and worries will disappear as I build a completely new world for myself. All the weights of reality will drift away as I become more safe and warm inside my head. The world inside my head has only ever wanted to protect me, a beautiful contrast to the world outside of my head only ever wanting to hurt me. And I can assure myself there is nothing wrong with it either. Why would there be anything wrong with me finally discovering happiness? This has always been and always will be a place of peace and love. But the more time I start to spend there the more I start to feel...empty.
It's safe inside my head. I've started telling these tall tales in my head, to fix the emptiness. Ones where I'm able to control my pain and fight through it. Where people see what I have done and want to follow in my footsteps. They even regard me as a hero! I find myself liking the hero concept, I should make myself a super hero in my head too! I'll have all sorts of powers and everything will go back to the way I used to think. Perfect significant other, a dream lifestyle, a mansion with all the food imaginable. Everything I want is only bound to the limits of my imagination. I've spent too much time letting the negative thoughts in. With this different approach of positivity, I'll find my peace and balance again. If I continue to assure myself it'll be okay, then it will all be okay. I might not visit this safe place for days, weeks, or maybe it'll take a few months before I'm back. However, as far as I might stray, this safety net will still exist and keep me happy. But the worse things continue to get on the outside I'm either spending weeks inside my head or know time at all. And when I keep spending time there, I'm starting to forget how to leave. It's start to fucking terrify me.
It's safe inside my head. I keep telling myself the same lie. There used to be happiness, now there is only pain and I can't find a way to allow the happiness back in. The only solution is to keep diving deeper into my mind. Every time it's within reach, it seems to get even further away. I'll continue to endure this pain if it means finding my safety again. I'll tell myself to live with this pain because my happiness will come back. In the process of dreaming and searching, I got lost. It's evil and dark in here, it's a pitch black hateful darkness. Is this darkness and these accompanying thoughts normal? Am I weird for thinking this way? Maybe it'd be right to put all these thoughts to rest. It'd only take a moment of temporary pain to no longer endure this suffocating weight I've been carrying. What used to be safe is now a prison. I can't find my way out and I'm begging for help.I keep telling people how hurt I am. I'm begging for them to say the right things and to give me a bit of support. All of these normal thinking people are selfish. How dare they not be able to say the right things. You obviously have the answers, share them with me. Its so selfish of them for not being able to say the right things, I'm obviously hurting, give me the answers. But I know it's not correct to force the answers out of them, no matter how badly I may want them. I'm lashing out because cause I've been scared. What if right person comes along and pulls me out of this pain? What if the answer lies withing me?
It's safe inside my head. I don't think those words are true anymore. What if I got up today and went for a walk today? Well even if wanted to, I probably wouldn't anyway. Maybe everything would be much safer...inside of my head. No! Let me the fuck out of my own head! I'm going to get up today and go for a walk. It's going to suck but I'm going to do it. Tomorrow I'm going to write in my diary, its going to make me cry but I'm going to do it. Next week I'm going to start therapy, I'm definitely going to do it. I'm deathly afraid of being judged, but anything has to be better than this pain I've been feeling. My mind is a beautiful, wonderful, and mysterious in so many ways and I refuse to destroy it. I will not be consumed by the negativity. I will become a dreamer again, but now get lost in those dreams. I will learn to act on them. I will not be safe inside my head. I'll be happy in my heart.
Let yourself out of your head and WashYourAss
- Noble
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