The title above is a contradictory thought to how I attempt to live my life. There are days when I can only see myself being a "hero," an idea echoing on my mind constantly. An idea telling me I need to take care of and protect people. I need to be a modern day savior, I need to be a hero. I want to be the one to take on everyone's pain. If I were a hero, I'd have some hilariously tragic super power like "empathy." My identity would be "The Empathizer" and the more I took on peoples pain the stronger I'd get. They'd let things out making them happier and it may hurt me, but because I knew they were happy it'd keep me going. Then reality often sets in, revealing my power is much weaker than I imagined, causing me to terribly crash and burn.
I have carried a hero complex for as long as I can remember. I wanted to escape the reality around me, causing me to throw myself into my wild imagination. I'm sure a handful of you became significantly more drawn into the post after reading those lines. Do you remember when you'd stare out the window in your grade school classrooms? These wild day dreams of monsters attacking the school would swarm your thoughts and you'd dive deeper into the dream, escaping whatever boring and irrelevant subject you were learning about. The unbeatable monster would finally attack and you'd reveal yourself to have been a super hero all along. Not only saving the day, but impressing your classmates in the process, of course getting your crushes feeling reciprocated along the way. These heroes we'd dreamed up were infallible. They were the epitome of strength, power, and kindness. This whole idea, which we repeated time and time again, was a form of recognition in its absolute. We'd receive the recognition of being regarded as a legend and people would attempt to carry on our legacy. Now all these years later, the cause for my actions and the reason for me living remains the same. I still want to be remembered and loved after my death, causing me to leave a lot more of myself out there than I should. I still want to be the hero I wanted to be when I'd stare out of the classroom window, waiting for my chance. This lifestyle punishes me by shoving the repercussions in my face more of than not. It's a lifestyle with incredibly high peaks and incredibly low dips in my emotional health.
As I got older, the idea of having super powers drifted away. I tried to become a modern day super hero. I wanted to "help" people, which led me to grasp at whatever straws I could. I wanted to test every available option, one worthy of the title hero. I thought about professions, I thought about the military on thirty different occasions, and I thought about pursuing psychology. However, the more I put myself out into the world and broke away from my shell of dreams the more I began to meet new people. I found myself happy to have people who liked talking to me or girls who liked me as a person, even if I knew in the back of my mind something felt more than off. Questionable friends and questionable girls began to control my life. The type of "friends" who thought it funny to embarrass and destroy your character behind your back. Those same people would then look you in the eyes and tell you how much they cared. I had the type of "relationships" with an incredible amount of emotional abuse. Threats of self harm, threats of destroying my life or the lives around them, and threats of destroying everything that we had built up together.
I smiled and stayed, hiding my own pain. I consoled everyone, making sure to never let anyone know I was hurting, because my version of a hero couldn't hurt. I wanted to be the absolute. Through my own stubborn behavior I stayed in those relationships and stayed in those friendships. I carried one simple and repetitive thought in my mind. What if I could make their strain a little bit easier? If I took on their pain we could be better friends and my romantic relationships would find their stability and happiness like I had wanted all my life. I discovered along the way my dreams of becoming a super hero were more likely than these people respecting me. Taking on their pain only lead to it being viewed as a weakness, an exploitable one. The consideration and respect for me as an individual only worsened over time, until I was labeled as a certain person. Whether I was a push over, whipped, walked on, a pussy, a bitch, a bad friend, a bad boyfriend, pathetic, a faggot, a sorry excuse for a friend, or a flat out loser. I took it all on. I took on all the pain and anger because I thought it was correct.
This isn't a sob story as much as it is a confession. Everything I wrote about in the previous paragraph is my wonderful curse. I both love and dislike my curse. I say wonderful and love because I truly believe it is wonderful. After being hurt time and time again I'm able to pick myself back up and keep struggling forward in search of the right people who won't abuse my kindness. In the process of moving forward through this struggle, I've found some absolutely amazing people. People I'm lucky to have in my life. However, my curse still remains as such because I use it on undeserving people. I continue to tell myself it's okay because it's my job to be a teacher and share a more full way of living. It's the wonderful curse I have willingly placed on myself. Even if my consideration is abused time and time again, I'll keep shifting and steadying the line towards where my peace lies. My resting point will be somewhere I can finally be regarded as a hero.
I'd like to close by saying, I've always wanted to "save" people. This is a trait I will willingly place on my shoulders for as long as I continue to breathe. With the possibility of major emotional damage, I'll continue this lifestyle as long as I'm able. The truth is, I keep burying myself in these situations for a reason. I'll keep taking on these hurtful people, this pressure, pain, and anger. I'll take it on because I'm waiting for someone to save me. To tell me I've done a good job, to take my hand and tell me to rest for a little bit. Because as badly as I want to be a hero, all heroes die alone.
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