I've been diving deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of mental health and stability recently. Challenging myself to test how my process of introspection could go without losing my sanity. Being a former emotional wreck, it's something I've tried to stray far away from out, based on the fears I would make the same decisions I did back then. These "Let's talks" recently have been a path into my mind. I'd like to apologize if you only come to this blog to read funny posts or general tips on how to become a better man. Sharing posts like these two today will allow me to become a better man for myself and a better beacon for those around me. I've been told they have a certain "rawness" to them, which keeps me in this state of mind. I'm trying to relate as closely as possible without being completely consumed. Before you reject these posts, allow yourself to follow me on this journey to becoming a better human. I rarely write directly for my friends, but in addition to my usual audience, these two are for a handful of specific people. And so you know, there will be no standard sign off as these aren't standard posts.
Please allow yourself to breathe. A common and frustratingly trivial thing to hear when you are struggling. Obviously breathing is the first thing most people are going to think of. Let me give you an example to support my statement. Think about how lovely it feels to swallow freely when you have a clear throat compared to when you have a sore throat. The annoyance sits there. It's not necessarily painful, but it sits there and continues to bug you. You find yourself complaining about how much you'd like to go back to "normal." When you are finally back, you'll forget the feeling of a sore throat until you receive another, many months or years down the line. However, there are some people always carrying a "sore throat." Instead of a slight annoyance in their throat, it's negative thoughts and emotions constantly swirling in their head, eating at them. I've battled with these issues before and have tried to rediscover the mindset so I can better understand them. These issues aren't simply issues, they are a fucking plague. Upon allowing myself back into this mindset, I still feel the lingering affects four years later. It's an absolutely exhausting plague and I'm sorry you are being affected by it. I'm sorry to not only my good friends, not only to my past self, but to each of you who are struggling and doing your best to fight back.
Please allow yourself to breathe. You don't need to worry about getting "better." It's okay to be in as much pain as you are in right now. I'm sorry I can't take on your "burdens" or help you find your method of getting "better." If I could take on your pain and allow you live happier lives I would do it before the idea even came into your mind. I give you my word, I swear I would. Not only to my friends but to those of you struggling to see the light. I'm doing my best to find the right words to say, because I never knew what I wanted said to me. To better understand, I tried to dive into this line of thinking again, something I haven't approached as it was the only way I allowed myself to think at seventeen. Thoughts have lingered for me here and there since I was younger but I've mostly moved through them. Four years can be an incredibly short or long amount of time depending on what you allow yourself to do with it. In the process of putting myself back in each of your shoes, I've rediscovered how incredibly fucking painful this whole experience is. I wanted to force this mindset upon myself so I could fully shift my sympathy into empathy. Upon arriving here, all I'm able to do is apologize and cry with you. I forgot how badly it all hurt, seeing as I had repressed and shoved it to the deepest corners of my mind. I forgot how on days you swear want to be alone, you are secretly begging for people to reach out. I'm sorry I don't know the answers for you even after forcing myself back in. I'm so angry with myself for being unable to be a beacon for not only my friends but to each and every one of my readers.
Please allow yourself to breathe. Please allow yourself to be stronger than I ever could by asking for help. I am by no means forcing you to get help, I am however asking you to stop distracting yourself. I don't want you to feel empty and hollow anymore. I tried to distract myself time and time again when I was younger until I almost cracked. During these past few weeks, I've been so much more on edge than usual, and again I found myself prepared to run away instead of asking for help. Find a new safer outlet, ask for therapy, or allow yourself to be vulnerable and talk to your friends. It's not too late to take a step in the right direction. I'm asking you to follow the more painful path. You have the option of feeling an incredible, stifling, exhausting, demotivating, pain right now with a fountain of companionship and love in the future. Or you can hang onto the few positives you've been struggling to grasp at and let the pain slowly build until you crack. I love to hype myself as an individual, it's how I'm able to get over a lot of self confidence issues. Coming from someone much too fond of inflating his own ego, please be better than I was. Learn from my mistakes and allow all the pain into your heart and head. Do so around people you trust, those willing to help. Only then will you be able to get out your head.
- Noble
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