I often tell those around me to question everything. It's been a beneficial idea to my life for many years. If there is something you might not like, question it, then work to fix it. Sometime in the recent months I had stopped asking myself a question I used to think about constantly. How valuable are the relationships I'm building around me? In the process of forgetting this question, I began to make a handful of new relationships. Now I'm beginning to wonder if these are relationships I had ever wanted in the first place.
Around the age of eight I desperately wanted to be popular. I would act out and go far out of my way to get people to look in my direction, I wanted attention. This carried on through middle school with me being a type of class clown. I got along reasonably with everybody around me, but I still hadn't found the popularity I had desperately wanted. Upon reaching high school my behavior became a bit more cynical. I focused less on trying to become popular and I figured if the right friends would come my way I would show them they were worth my time. I still wanted to be popular, but to a much lesser degree. I stuck with the cynical ideals for a while and continued to work on building a small but wonderful group of friends. I wanted people around me willing to challenge and grow with me, I didn't like the idea of having casual "friends." I had convinced myself if they weren't trying to actively improve as people it'd be alright if we went our separate ways. After all, I felt my trajectory was only going upwards.
I had continued to carry this mindset for many years, with wanting to be popular remaining ever present in the back of my mind. Interestingly enough I've had a perfect opportunity to test this mindset within the past few months. I've found myself making many more "friends" than I ever could have imagined. I finally became popular after thirteen long years of trying. Upon discovering my popularity, I've found it to be rather empty. I've been getting swarmed around for all the wrong reasons. Because I've worked at pushing myself for all these years, these "friends" see me as someone to take from. They are under the impression being around me will lead them to a happier and easier lifestyle without putting in the work. It was lovely to think about at first, but the more I began to question it, the more I found myself uncomfortable with the whole idea. I decided to push back a little bit asking those friends to be there for me in a time of need and they were nowhere to be found. These relationships I had thought highly of were rather fragile. It hurt to discover how much I had been putting forth into these relationships and how little was being reciprocated.
I've found myself back at square one, realizing I had built this house on popsicle sticks. I have worked for years with the right people to create solid relationships. It's not my job and shouldn't be my job to force people towards growth for the sake of trying to have a better relationship with me. I'm happy to support their willingness to work towards something. However, I'd like to see people I'm trying to create a relationship with put themselves forth more. Again, it's not my job to mine marble with a toothpick. I don't need to dig into peoples lives and I don't need to put myself out there if they aren't willing to reciprocate. I'm undecided if I want to continue to have these "friends" around me, it makes me rather uncomfortable to know I can't be open or honest with them.
To be frank, I'm alright with having my tight knit group. I will continue to meticulously work at the friendships I have spent building over the years. These people I know who will treat me with the same respect and consideration I have for them. In the case of new faces, I'll treat everyone on an equal level and give a little bit of extra push when necessary. If they react well to the push, I'll be lucky enough to make a friend for life.
- Noble
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